Some correspondence we would like to see answered

We got a laugh out of a copy of a recent letter we received from Steve Nick, the marketing director at Delta Downs in Vinton, Louisiana. Nick is an aggressive marketer, always looking for a new angle to attract recognition for his track and to get more fans out to Delta Downs. This time he hit upon the idea of buying and relocating the "lucky horseshoe palm" from the Silver Springs resort park near Ocala, Florida, to Vinton. In response, he received the following reply from the general manager of Silver Springs:

"Thank you for your letter of inquiry about the possible purchase of our horseshoe-shaped palm tree. We appreciate your interest; however, the tree is not for sale at this time. I am sure there would be quite a number of disappointed people if we were to sell that palm tree. It seems to be quite a novel photo spot.

"Again, we appreciate your interest in Silver Springs, and we will keep your name on file should things change in the future."

The correspondence reminds me of a book I read several years ago called Letters from a Nut, by Ted L. Nancy. That book was a compilation of seemingly serious letters written by Nancy to companies making a request or offering a suggestion. The book was simply his letters of inquiry on one page and the company responses on the facing page. For instance, Nancy wrote to Star magazine: "I have a corn on my foot that resembles Shelley Fabares. How can I get my corn submitted to your magazine for inclusion?"

In a letter to retailer Nordstrom, he wrote: "In the last few weeks I have noticed that a new mannequin you have out in the store looks just like my deceased neighbor. Is it possible to purchase it?"

In a letter to Disneyland Hotel, he wrote: "I would like to stay in your hotel for one night on February 24th. I would like to know if I can check in with my own ice machine."

The responses from the companies were amusing since the readers were in on the joke.

Maybe Nick can compile a similar list of racing-related letters and responses, and he can publish them in a book.
For example, some of the following letters could be written:

"Dear Smithsonian:
"I am writing to you about the skeleton of Lexington, which at present is collecting dust in your basement. We would like to bring it to Vinton, Louisiana, to put it on display at our track. We promise to keep it away from any hungry dogs from the backstretch. Looking forward to hearing from you."

Or,
"Dear Jockey Club:
"We would like to get some jockeys to come to Vinton for a riding contest, and I am writing to see if you can supply some of your members. Just starting at the top of your membership list, it would be nice to see Dinny Phipps riding here."

Or,
"Dear Claiborne Farm:
"Next month at Delta Downs is our 'Celebrate the Horse' week. Our fans don't get the chance to see a lot of top-notch horses here, if you know what I mean, and was wondering if Claiborne can help us out. We think it would be great if you can send as representatives of the breed Danzig, Unbridled, and Seeking the Gold.

"We have an automatic hotwalker on the backstretch and plan to use it to give pony rides to children. You can just imagine the look on their faces as they are riding one of your great horses!

"If this idea sounds as good to you as it does to us, please send them down. We promise to return them before the start of the breeding season."

Or,
"Dear National Park System:
"As you know, Thomas Jefferson was an avid owner-breeder of Thoroughbreds. We here at Delta Downs want to celebrate his upcoming birthday and would like to do so in a way our fans can really feel more up close and personal with him. I am asking if it would be okay if we can borrow for a day or two his bust from Mount Rushmore.

"I understand that shipping may be an issue, but FedEx has a good reputation, and we would be willing to give you our FedEx account number to ensure that it arrives safely. If your fellow civil servants feel offended by this, we would be willing to use the United States Postal Service as a last resort. I look forward to hearing from you."